No matter how strong you are or no matter how strong you have been throughout your life... You will hit a breaking point if you are continually being bombarded with tragedy after tragedy! I remember back when I was in third grade and everyone had to make a time table of their lives up to that point... what was my normal was absolutely not normal for the children in my class. I remember standing there with my timeline in front of my entire class and it went something like this.... When I was six weeks old my father went to prison, When I when I was 7 years old my Great Grandmother Mary was murdered... when I was eight years old my mother was murdered and after that I lived from place to place until my guardians took me in that summer... Everyone was looking at me because they didn't understand...I remember the teacher looking at me and tears were coming out of her eyes... I didn't understand that was not a normal childhood....Shit I had been through hell by that age and I didn't even know it was hell... It was NORMAL for me to see violence. It was normal for me to not get sleep. It was normal for me to see my mother get beaten. It was normal to move from home to home....It was normal for us to leave in the middle of the night and go get chocolate long johns and wait for someone to pick Mom and I up... It was normal to see blood splattered. It was normal for my childhood... but it was not normal at all! I vowed for my life to never hurt anyone and to always be there for the hurting... My normal of pain was not normal for most... I understood from a young age how to survive and become resilient... I skipped through life saying no matter what happens to you; you can and will overcome... I was everyone's biggest cheerleader and had never really had people to cheer me on. I would sit in silence and couldn't express the things that I was feeling because of the shame I would feel for even expressing any of my emotions. I went from the physical abuse to the changing of mental abuse in the home of my guardians. If I ever mentioned my mother I was told I was feeling sorry for myself and to quit crying over her because crying over her or looking at her pictures wouldn't bring her back ... It took me many years to open my heart to people or be able to express what I was feeling inside. My life was very heavy for people to understand... that was only the beginning of my existence and not was has transpired over the rest of the 48 years.... Seems like more things kept coming in every direction of my life from the time I was born until this day... I never experienced bitterness or anger until the last few years.... dealing with my fathers death, my sons addictions, my son in and out of the courts, him totaling my vehicle and him in mental institutions threating to kill himself, My little brother being shot and becoming paralyzed,,, My little brother begging me to take care of his 1 year old daughter and to raise her. At this time I did not have a home of my own and my ex boyfriend had moved to another state knowing what was going on in my life. A man from my past someone that I had known for over 25years had begun reaching out to me and he knew of my situation with my brother and the baby. He knew Dfs was involved with the child and he had a home and asked to me marry him... I agreed and had thought this man had changed and he was not whom he was to me in the past... I hadn't seen him in a couple of years. We married and I had to show DFS that I could take care of the child. Needless to say he was an alcoholic and I ended up in a domestic abuse shelter for a few months because he tried to strangle me in the middle of the night when he awoke. I was divorced within a few months. My nieces mother is an addict and her grandmother was in remission from cancer so they couldn't take care of her full time... They slowly allowed me to transition her into their home while I could get my life back on track. A friend of mine found out I was in a domestic abuse shelter and opened up his home to me.... While I was going through things my ex boyfriend contacted me and I thought a happy ending was coming... he told me he was coming back for me to help me and make things right.... He didn't come back for me because he loved me... He came back for me for vengeance because I had married another man. His enemy according to him... He pretended that he was there for me while he constantly berated me and telling me I was a whore and a traitor for marrying another man. He would mentally tear me apart not understanding I was trying to prevent my niece from having a life like mine.... We will fast forward a couple months... two of my dearest girlfriends had died within a few months of each other, My little brother was found dead in his car December 31, 2020, 5 1/2 months later my older brother had hung himself, a month later my daughter ended up in the hospital and she tried to take her own life... I ended up in the hospital after my boyfriend told me to take my life time and time again. It was strange when we would get into an argument he would constantly scream at me telling me to kill myself... Ironically someone in my family would attempt it or did within a few days! The energy that he was placing upon me... the heartaches that I was feeling was somehow transmitting energetically to the people I loved the most. He was always screaming, hollering and mentally abusing me for marrying the man I did... He would scream at me telling me that I deserved the abuse that my ex husband gave to me and the abuse he was giving to me... It was insane... I was constantly trying to prove my love to him... and for him and didn't get anything in return... I was constantly on fight or flight...I will never understand... I was constantly trying to prove my loyalty and for him to understand why I had made the decisions I had for my little brother and his daughter... I was in a fog trying to save everyone while I was dying inside. When I was going through everything that I was he wasn't supporting me... He was breaking me and I didn't realize that he truly never loved me or cared for my well being... I was having chest pains after fighting with my boyfriend and I had a breakdown and was in the hospital.... A few days later I had found out for certain he had been cheating on me; I found out later he canceled my car insurance on me while I was in the hospital which I had the same car insurance for over 15 years and the same cell phone carrier... which he had talked me into getting onto both of his plans for a month and a half prior... even when I married for that short period of time I did not allow anything to be changed that was in my name... The one person I trusted with my heart, mind and soul... did not come back for me... He came back to destroy me... Everything that I was going through... He didn't care... he didn't understand the pain I was in or he did and he just wanted to ruin me... He knew my life story and would pretend to care when he never truly cared at all... that was My breaking point after breaking from losing so much in my life... When nothing makes sense in your life... you lose your sense of self..... It took me years to trust someone to realize people are not who they say they are.. people are who they show you they are....he changed me...and broke my heart more than anything in my life...How can someone pretend so well to be your everything, you confide everything in them and all along they were using your purity to break you down? I will never understand the harshness of this world... I will never understand why others try to inflict pain unto others.... when all I have tried to do is try to help build him into becoming a better man... Every person in my life that is close to me knows the struggles I have had to overcome and how I have tried to help others move through their struggles and help them while I was going through my own sorrows. I have tried to help others upon their journey only to end up where I am.... I guess that was all in the Devils plan... I have realized that the closest people to you in your life are not whom they claim to be; Any person that does not truly have you best interest at heart, has no purpose in your life. It will take me a long time to ever trust any person in my life. I never wanted to be a hard or cold person but it is easier for me to trust a stranger than it is to trust someone that says they love me.... I will continue to do my Alms... I will continue to help others... as God has instructed me to do... but I will not give people chance after chance to break me again... Life lesson: when your foundation gets broke down to the original stone take all those broken blocks and build them stronger with your own hands! In life rely on nobody but yourself! Never get caught up in the emotions... because your emotions are feelings... they aren't reality. much lover from my heart to yours....
I am no angel and I have had my struggles and I have them to this day... I have made mistakes... some extremely terrible ones... Even when I was so engulfed in the word... My faith was and has always been very strong but man life can get hard when everything around you falls apart and you don't understand why... I wavered from my faith and questioned God so many times as to why so many terrible things kept happening in my life... I will never know why there has been so much suffrage. The only thing I can think of is he is preparing me for the heartache that that many will have... and he has been preparing me for times such as these. I think the birth pains that the entire world is feeling right now is what many people are feeling internally...The anxiety that many people are facing now with all of the uncertainties of the world is triggering so much turmoil. I have been faced with these adversities throughout my existence...The turmoil I am seeing around the world compares to the childhood and the life that I have had and have led. I worry about the people who will not be able to stand the tests and the trials and tribulations that are to come rather swiftly. I thought with my faith I was prepared to withstand many and all temptations; only to find the ones tempting me were not there to help or benefit me. The people in my life wanted to see me fail and fall... they weren't there to help me grow... many of the people I surrounded myself with were unhealed and troubled souls. I would take upon their pain as if it were my own... and heal them while they truly hated how I was an overcomer. The devil used those things/people to pull me into their darkness to make me wither and become drained... They drained my energy as the worlds love energy is slowly being depleted... This is how the dark entities of the world are... they disguise themselves as love and light until they rage war within you! If I could turn back and really realize that the wars that were being raged against me were to ravage my soul... I would have listened to Gods voice more rather than my own... I pray the world can withstand the things to come because the world has tried to take ahold of me many times and I failed often; even when I knew who I had always belonged... If a person like me can get caught on a wrong road... It only pains my heart for the ones who don't know for the things... that are to come.... I pray the Angel Army protects all of us called by his name....
When you hold yourself accountable for your actions is when you finally understand yourself. When you fully surrender to knowing that the choices you have made in your life are the choices you have to contend to all on your own. It doesn't matter about all of the right choices you have made or all the good you have been or have done through out your existence. When you make one wrong decision it will affect the outcome of your life, your dreams and your journey. You have choices whether to entertain certain people in your life or situations. One wrong choice can ruin your life! People don't hear to understand... People hear to make judgments... Majority of people hold their sense of moral by the wrongs you have done or do within your life... Those are the kind of people that never hold themselves accountable for the wrongs they have done unto your or unto others. He who understands what you deal with on a daily basis are the only ones who know your story... Never be ashamed of your story. Many will judge you and the judicial system of our society is very harsh! Whether it be the court system set up by our government or the judicial system set up by societal measures. People will gossip and talk about you and judgement will come upon you like the wrath of God by mere smear campaigns. Our Society can make you feel as though you are less but in your heart you know you are more than what people say, think or know about you. Nobody knows your Alms... nobody knows your heart, mind or soul... or what your intentions are on your daily. Nobody knows the pain you have experienced in this life or the things that have ripped your heart apart. Nobody knows who you truly are on the inside... People judge you by the physical because they don't know who you are in the spiritual. It doesn't matter how close you are to God if you make one wrong decision. He definitely chastises his chosen people... Life is a mystery... Conviction only happens to those who have a convicted heart and condemnation comes from those who judge....
21 And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea.
2 And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.
3 And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.
4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
5 And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.
6 And he said unto me, It is done. I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give unto him that is athirst of the fountain of the water of life freely.
7 He that overcometh shall inherit all things; and I will be his God, and he shall be my son.
8 But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.
9 And there came unto me one of the seven angels which had the seven vials full of the seven last plagues, and talked with me, saying, Come hither, I will shew thee the bride, the Lamb's wife.
10 And he carried me away in the spirit to a great and high mountain, and shewed me that great city, the holy Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God,
11 Having the glory of God: and her light was like unto a stone most precious, even like a jasper stone, clear as crystal;
12 And had a wall great and high, and had twelve gates, and at the gates twelve angels, and names written thereon, which are the names of the twelve tribes of the children of Israel:
13 On the east three gates; on the north three gates; on the south three gates; and on the west three gates.
14 And the wall of the city had twelve foundations, and in them the names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb.
15 And he that talked with me had a golden reed to measure the city, and the gates thereof, and the wall thereof.
16 And the city lieth foursquare, and the length is as large as the breadth: and he measured the city with the reed, twelve thousand furlongs. The length and the breadth and the height of it are equal.
17 And he measured the wall thereof, an hundred and forty and four cubits, according to the measure of a man, that is, of the angel.
18 And the building of the wall of it was of jasper: and the city was pure gold, like unto clear glass.
19 And the foundations of the wall of the city were garnished with all manner of precious stones. The first foundation was jasper; the second, sapphire; the third, a chalcedony; the fourth, an emerald;
20 The fifth, sardonyx; the sixth, sardius; the seventh, chrysolyte; the eighth, beryl; the ninth, a topaz; the tenth, a chrysoprasus; the eleventh, a jacinth; the twelfth, an amethyst.
21 And the twelve gates were twelve pearls: every several gate was of one pearl: and the street of the city was pure gold, as it were transparent glass.
22 And I saw no temple therein: for the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are the temple of it.
23 And the city had no need of the sun, neither of the moon, to shine in it: for the glory of God did lighten it, and the Lamb is the light thereof.
24 And the nations of them which are saved shall walk in the light of it: and the kings of the earth do bring their glory and honour into it.
25 And the gates of it shall not be shut at all by day: for there shall be no night there.
26 And they shall bring the glory and honour of the nations into it.
27 And there shall in no wise enter into it any thing that defileth, neither whatsoever worketh abomination, or maketh a lie: but they which are written in the Lamb's book of life.
It is said if you didn't have something amazing inside of you the devil wouldn't keep trying to attack you. I have been through some things in my life...you just have to sit back and laugh because when the devil wants you that bad; you must have something really good inside of you! If the enemy keeps trying to kill, seek and destroy you; he must know you are truly a chosen vessel for God. He knows your voice will help many people along their journey...He knows that your words, your smile, your heart, your joy and your faith are something that can benefit the people who come into your life. One thing you have to know is God wins in the end... God will use everything the devil tried to destroy in your life and turn it all around for his glory. While you shake and tremble because of the things that are present in your life... you are being molded into the best version of yourself. The devil may have stole your family, your home, your finances, your children, your job, your friends and everything to try to keep you down... You stand up and fight for your life and declare you know why his is attacking you! Let the devil know... you serve a God who is far better than him. Let the devil know... you have read of the Great Prophets, the Apostles and the chosen ones for God that God wins in the end and restores everything! The devil wants you to believe you are nothing and things won't work out for the better good but he who is inside of you is stronger than he who roams the Earth...The devil will try any avenue to attack you through your mind or your situations that you go through... This is all a test... Don't break! Get up and reclaim you! Get up and speak the blessings over your setbacks because those setbacks were meant to destroy you... but God meant for them to build you!
I was sitting on a rock this past week in the middle of a creek; embellished by the beauty of the sun shining through the trees and the sound of the water flowing down stream; in that moment I felt like me. I drifted into a space in my mind wishing that I could have a place to call my own without the clatter of the worldly noises. I have always been someone that finds happiness in the stillness of life, but life within the sounds of nature. When you come from a life of chaotic... traumatic experiences time and time again the silence without violence is the most freeing and peaceful space one can be in... I was meditating and tears were streaming from my eyes; while I wondered to myself how I got to where I am today and why I have had and why so many trials come upon my life. I always had dreams and pure ideas of what I wanted to have in my life... I was overwhelmed with the realization that none of my dreams have come true for me to this day. While I was always helping others upon their path I was left in the wilderness to fight battles for others; even while I was fighting my own. I was breaking inside while I was helping others thrive. I had a long talk with God asking him why he allowed the devil to take everything away from me and why do the battles continue to rage on? He revealed to me that I am to continue to love thy neighbor and show others how to overcome as he has shown to me... While people witness my hardships and I continue to praise Our Heavenly Father; it draws them nearer to him....
When it rains it pours but when the sun shines... light comes in. I tend to look at rain as a cleansing of the Earth; just as storms come to rebuild your foundation. When the Earth has the sun without the rain the world would burn up. We need water for growth and we need sunshine to light the way for our paths. Time and time again we all have faced challenges but in those moments you either wither away or you grow. During growth things are working where we don't see them but inside of you that is where you begin to feel the shine and warmth of your soul breaking through the clouds from the storm. Every challenge we face... we need to understand that those are the very things that allow us to discover the parts of ourselves that need healing or correcting. Until you are truly willing to look into the eye of the storm you will not be able to break free from the chaos in your life. When you begin to look at every challenge as it was meant for your growth you look at the lesson with open arms. Sure it may hurt... sure you may not understand... but through knowledge of yourself you began to understand the the things that you needed to learn inner peace. There are people in your life that aren't willing to walk the path of enlightenment... Life isn't about what you have... life is about who you are... the are many that will not understand how you have been able to overcome adversities in life and will make them less likely to understand you. Everyone is struggling in one fashion or another... continue to grow through the storms... stop caring what the world thinks of you because the world knows nothing at all... The light inside of you may scare the darkness in others.... keep being you, keep overcoming your challenges and keep being the best you can be... be very careful of those that lack understanding... because your wisdom rejects the majority of societal norms... that is why you are misunderstood because many don't care to understand themselves. When the thunder rolls through your ears and lightening lights up your world... know that the sun is trying to break through the clouds.... shine on my friends...much love from my heart to yours...