No matter how strong you are or no matter how strong you have been throughout your life... You will hit a breaking point if you are continually being bombarded with tragedy after tragedy! I remember back when I was in third grade and everyone had to make a time table of their lives up to that point... what was my normal was absolutely not normal for the children in my class. I remember standing there with my timeline in front of my entire class and it went something like this.... When I was six weeks old my father went to prison, When I when I was 7 years old my Great Grandmother Mary was murdered... when I was eight years old my mother was murdered and after that I lived from place to place until my guardians took me in that summer... Everyone was looking at me because they didn't understand...I remember the teacher looking at me and tears were coming out of her eyes... I didn't understand that was not a normal childhood....Shit I had been through hell by that age and I didn't even know it was hell... It was NORMAL for me to see violence. It was normal for me to not get sleep. It was normal for me to see my mother get beaten. It was normal to move from home to home....It was normal for us to leave in the middle of the night and go get chocolate long johns and wait for someone to pick Mom and I up... It was normal to see blood splattered. It was normal for my childhood... but it was not normal at all! I vowed for my life to never hurt anyone and to always be there for the hurting... My normal of pain was not normal for most... I understood from a young age how to survive and become resilient... I skipped through life saying no matter what happens to you; you can and will overcome... I was everyone's biggest cheerleader and had never really had people to cheer me on. I would sit in silence and couldn't express the things that I was feeling because of the shame I would feel for even expressing any of my emotions. I went from the physical abuse to the changing of mental abuse in the home of my guardians. If I ever mentioned my mother I was told I was feeling sorry for myself and to quit crying over her because crying over her or looking at her pictures wouldn't bring her back ... It took me many years to open my heart to people or be able to express what I was feeling inside. My life was very heavy for people to understand... that was only the beginning of my existence and not was has transpired over the rest of the 48 years.... Seems like more things kept coming in every direction of my life from the time I was born until this day... I never experienced bitterness or anger until the last few years.... dealing with my fathers death, my sons addictions, my son in and out of the courts, him totaling my vehicle and him in mental institutions threating to kill himself, My little brother being shot and becoming paralyzed,,, My little brother begging me to take care of his 1 year old daughter and to raise her. At this time I did not have a home of my own and my ex boyfriend had moved to another state knowing what was going on in my life. A man from my past someone that I had known for over 25years had begun reaching out to me and he knew of my situation with my brother and the baby. He knew Dfs was involved with the child and he had a home and asked to me marry him... I agreed and had thought this man had changed and he was not whom he was to me in the past... I hadn't seen him in a couple of years. We married and I had to show DFS that I could take care of the child. Needless to say he was an alcoholic and I ended up in a domestic abuse shelter for a few months because he tried to strangle me in the middle of the night when he awoke. I was divorced within a few months. My nieces mother is an addict and her grandmother was in remission from cancer so they couldn't take care of her full time... They slowly allowed me to transition her into their home while I could get my life back on track. A friend of mine found out I was in a domestic abuse shelter and opened up his home to me.... While I was going through things my ex boyfriend contacted me and I thought a happy ending was coming... he told me he was coming back for me to help me and make things right.... He didn't come back for me because he loved me... He came back for me for vengeance because I had married another man. His enemy according to him... He pretended that he was there for me while he constantly berated me and telling me I was a whore and a traitor for marrying another man. He would mentally tear me apart not understanding I was trying to prevent my niece from having a life like mine.... We will fast forward a couple months... two of my dearest girlfriends had died within a few months of each other, My little brother was found dead in his car December 31, 2020, 5 1/2 months later my older brother had hung himself, a month later my daughter ended up in the hospital and she tried to take her own life... I ended up in the hospital after my boyfriend told me to take my life time and time again. It was strange when we would get into an argument he would constantly scream at me telling me to kill myself... Ironically someone in my family would attempt it or did within a few days! The energy that he was placing upon me... the heartaches that I was feeling was somehow transmitting energetically to the people I loved the most. He was always screaming, hollering and mentally abusing me for marrying the man I did... He would scream at me telling me that I deserved the abuse that my ex husband gave to me and the abuse he was giving to me... It was insane... I was constantly trying to prove my love to him... and for him and didn't get anything in return... I was constantly on fight or flight...I will never understand... I was constantly trying to prove my loyalty and for him to understand why I had made the decisions I had for my little brother and his daughter... I was in a fog trying to save everyone while I was dying inside. When I was going through everything that I was he wasn't supporting me... He was breaking me and I didn't realize that he truly never loved me or cared for my well being... I was having chest pains after fighting with my boyfriend and I had a breakdown and was in the hospital.... A few days later I had found out for certain he had been cheating on me; I found out later he canceled my car insurance on me while I was in the hospital which I had the same car insurance for over 15 years and the same cell phone carrier... which he had talked me into getting onto both of his plans for a month and a half prior... even when I married for that short period of time I did not allow anything to be changed that was in my name... The one person I trusted with my heart, mind and soul... did not come back for me... He came back to destroy me... Everything that I was going through... He didn't care... he didn't understand the pain I was in or he did and he just wanted to ruin me... He knew my life story and would pretend to care when he never truly cared at all... that was My breaking point after breaking from losing so much in my life... When nothing makes sense in your life... you lose your sense of self..... It took me years to trust someone to realize people are not who they say they are.. people are who they show you they are....he changed me...and broke my heart more than anything in my life...How can someone pretend so well to be your everything, you confide everything in them and all along they were using your purity to break you down? I will never understand the harshness of this world... I will never understand why others try to inflict pain unto others.... when all I have tried to do is try to help build him into becoming a better man... Every person in my life that is close to me knows the struggles I have had to overcome and how I have tried to help others move through their struggles and help them while I was going through my own sorrows. I have tried to help others upon their journey only to end up where I am.... I guess that was all in the Devils plan... I have realized that the closest people to you in your life are not whom they claim to be; Any person that does not truly have you best interest at heart, has no purpose in your life. It will take me a long time to ever trust any person in my life. I never wanted to be a hard or cold person but it is easier for me to trust a stranger than it is to trust someone that says they love me.... I will continue to do my Alms... I will continue to help others... as God has instructed me to do... but I will not give people chance after chance to break me again... Life lesson: when your foundation gets broke down to the original stone take all those broken blocks and build them stronger with your own hands! In life rely on nobody but yourself! Never get caught up in the emotions... because your emotions are feelings... they aren't reality. much lover from my heart to yours....