Suicide; those that are left behind...

The tribute is to the ones who have lived with suicide and to the ones we have lost along our lives due to suicide. Where do I begin and what can I say? What is it that I wish I would have said differently that could have made you stay? I know your pain all too real in a life of uncertainty and the pain you feel.  I replay the conversations that I had with my brother's over and over again, I get flashes of their faces, hear the conversations over and over again. I was the last person they reached out to. The day I drove away from my baby brother; I knew it would be the last time I was going to see him... I didn't want to believe it... I remember praying and talking to the Angels I remember that day so clearly. He called me that morning and begged me to pick him up. He was telling me that I just wasn't being a good sister and didn't want him to be able to live like a man.  He kept saying to me is that he wanted to feel like a man again. My little brother was shot and became paralyzed April 6. 2019 and was in a wheelchair.  He hated being in that chair and I tried to encourage him all the time. It broke my heart seeing him like that.... big sis couldn't save him from his wounds like I always had done... He was humiliated that his body couldn't function right.  I finally agreed to pick him up... He was crying and I started yelling at him saying fine.... I will come get you... On our long drive.... we talked and I told him he was always like my son and if anything ever happened to him it would break my soul. I held his hand and cried about everything... from the time he was a baby until that present moment... I took him to his truck at his mother's house and his mother's friend told me to leave.... I left and I can still see my brother looking back at me... He tried to call me but I didn't return his call until 5 hours later. I couldn't reach him for a couple of days... December 31,2020 I got a call that my brother was unresponsive and had passed away. When I went to where he was... he was in his truck on the passenger side and I thought there was a cap over his face. When I moved closer to the car... I thought the cap fell off his face.... I was screaming to the police officer. " He's alive . he's alive , the cap just fell and he's trying to tell me he's okay" the police officer told me "maam, there was never a hat over your brother's face" I started puking and screaming... My baby brother, whom was like my son.... was sitting in his truck, pants down and he was lifeless... The guilt that I have felt for taking him to his truck will never leave my soul... The guilt of me not having my own home to take care of him will forever be my sadness.... Then my elder brother Lonny called me May 13, 2021 and sent me messages that he needed to come stay with me and be around his real family and the most positive person he knew. I called him and he sounded very sad.... His life was falling apart around him, He and his eldest daughter had been fighting, his wife left with the 3 children and all he wanted to do was come down to see me. I had to tell him that I didn't have my own home and I don't know what is happening in my own life and my relationship. I  was on my way to Florida for a week. I asked Lonny if he had taken something and he told me no.... He just kept thanking me for all I had been in his life and he was sorry for being a burden to me. I kept reassuring him he was not a burden. We talked and talked and he just kept telling me how sorry he was... The next day my boyfriend and I were driving and all of the sudden a song came on the radio and I could feel the presence that something wasn't right... My boyfriend felt it too... Hair on both of our arms were standing up.... Then a crow fell out of the sky and unto the highway...I kept telling my boyfriend something is wrong... He knows how connected I am to people. A couple of days later I got a call from his wife and nobody could find him. I told her to look everywhere and she said she did and told her to file a missing persons report.... I already knew in my heart what he had done... I awoke to another call from a Police officer with a message. like that of my baby brother and I instantly started vomiting!  They had yet to find his body or him.... My boyfriend and I went to Ponce De Leon about 5 days later and I could smell a rotten body and I asked him if he could smell it? Nobody could smell it.... I told him they are going to find my brother around rotten water....I started getting sick and dizzy. He walked with me to the bathroom where I dry heaved and threw up.... A couple days later they smell was coming from the basement in my brother's apartment building; that is where they found my beloved brother... He had hung himself ten days prior; . My brother Lonny had hung himself May 14th 2021... the same day the crow fell from the sky.... My heart was breaking, my soul was in pain reliving our conversations. what I could I have done, what did I say? Was it my fault? Why did I have to be the last person they both talked to? I felt responsible! I could always give them both the right words what was different this time? My brothers weren't used to me breaking but they both knew I was going through so much and neither one of them wanted to be a burden in my life. What they don't realize is that I needed them! What they didn't realize is that the are what made me get through some of my worst days. What they don't understand Is that I loved them both so much and I wish they could of held on just a little longer.... I don't know why? I don't understand; then my daughter ended up in the Hospital In June of 21; Her heart rate was so low and she almost died... I thought I was going to lose my eldest baby girl! It was so hard watching her in the ICU and her heart rate going lower and lower.... When the nurses gave me my daughter's belongings in a plastic bag and her jewelry in a cup....all I could think of was this was going to be the last time I see my daughter alive and I am going to bury her.... I was losing every aspect of myself and not understanding what was happening around me? When she was in the hospital she would blurt out I just want to be with Cimarron and Lonny.... My heart fell to the ground.... Please if you know someone or if someone is hurting please just listen.... You don't know the battles people face within their minds... hearts and souls.... I have lost too many people in my life due to homicides and suicides.... It is so hard because I know their pain all too real but they would say to me... that I was the strong one! I didn't want to be the strong one... I retrace every thought, every word, every gesture and sit here continually wondering why I was able to save others from suicide but not my brother's? Please do not discount when someone is depressed or going through life altering  changes because you may be the last hope for another on their last day! We don't know what others are facing.... be nice, be kind, be loving and don't be cruel.... I can't change what is done but it doesn't mean that I don't live with the pain of the last conversations everyday. I flight when people say unkind words, yell or scream because I would rather leave not speaking vile words over another  or have them spoken over me.... words can destroy you.... I pray that I said the right words to my brother's and they are at peace now.... This pain will never leave me.... but I will not allow it to cripple me anymore.... You have to work through these emotions and have a support system or you will go off into the deep end.... Trauma changes you but love and kindness can help you overcome....Fly high my dear friend Teresa , Amie, baby brother Cimarron and Big Brother Lonny.... forever in my heart and I promise none of you were a burden....  All I can say is I'm sorry..... To Infinity and Beyond!