Heart Conditions

 Stress can take a toll on the heart, mind, body and soul.I had a traumatic childhood, as many of us have. I justified the things that happened to me throughout my life. I thought that all that happened to me to help others and I never acknowledged my life hurt tremendously To add icing to the cake my brother was shot a became paralyzed due to being shot by a family member, I took custody of his daughter,  I lost two of my dearest friends; soul sisters within 2 months of each other, my little brother 20 years younger than myself passed away 8 months later New Years Eve , 5 months later my older brother hung himself, a month later my daughter ended up in the hospital and my son that has been in the hospital for the last couple years calling me with his problems, taking care of my niece, my living situation, lack of work, my relationship problems for the last year finally took a toll on my overall well being. The one person that I thought was my person didn't care to give me support and he added to my suffering. I was always there trying to lift others while I was suffering in silence and sometimes screaming out.... What about me... You get so tired of hearing how strong of a person you are and you are others strength. I didn't understand what I did to deserve all of this pain. Having PSTD due to trauma after traumatic experiences will not be understood unless others have had same experiences. When one has suffered from physical, emotional, sexual and mental abuse you learn how to overcome throughout life. I never wallowed in self pity because I have made it through so much in my life. I was always so resilient; so I thought.  After, the last few years all the trauma caught up with my body. I started getting sick and I would vomit from the stress and having abdominal issues. Trembling in the presence of loud noises or people yelling at me. I began avoiding people, places and things that were constant reminders of the pain I had experienced. I began to isolate myself because all I desired was inner peace.... the peace I tried to bring upon others. All I wanted to do was escape the chaos from my life. I wanted to be around laughter, good souls, music and away from the daily stressors of life. I just wanted to dance and be free... I wanted to play and forget about all my misery. I would reach out to others just to hear a little laughter.  Listening to nature allowed peace to flow through my veins.  I slowly drifted away from my family and friends. I would be startled at certain tones people would express. I became numb to life. I hid it very well from most people. I never wanted to be a burden unto others. It is embarrassing when you can't really talk to people about good things happening in your life. You will run, hide and avoid places that remind you of good or bad memories. Your fight or flight responses will be heightened. You are just trying to breathe and you don't understand why horrible things keep happening in your life. You scream out what is so wrong with me. I would never wish my pain on my worst enemy. All I desired was to be loved for the authentic being I am and get the love that I poured out to others in some was sent back to me. I never lost my faith but I did drift from it and I lost my way... When I started having chest pains a few months ago I attributed it to anxiety. I have always had low blood pressure so I didn't think anything could truly be wrong with me. I would say to myself you are okay.  The night  the ambulance was called my heart was pounding and the rate was so high and the chest pains were so strong.... I had taken a couple of anxiety pills to try to reduce the pain in my chest... I thought I was having a panic attack and it wasn't going away. At the hospital they discovered my left atrial was enlarged and my lower right had blockage and my heart isn't ticking together right. Stress induced.... I was in the hospital for 5 days and they ended up putting me into the stress unit because all I could do was cry and told them I was losing hope. I hadn't been sleeping right for months, everything in my life was failing and I was losing myself while helping others. Please know that stress will finally catch up with you if you don't take care of yourself. Pour the love you pour into others into yourself. It is okay not to be okay and it is okay to reach out for help. Don't ever think that you have to do it alone.... Please get ahold of your life before your life gets ahold of you.... I never knew how to ask for help and my friends certainly did not know how to help.... because all the ever said. You are the strongest woman I know... I didn't want to be strong... I wanted to be weak for a moment in time... before it is too late.... don't let pain or trauma kill you... keep your heart ticking with Faith, Love, Light and Truth... I was working on my life coaching certification a year ago and all this stress kept piling up.... If I would have stayed on my purpose I know I wouldn't have ended up where I am today.... Stay on your purpose and pursuit.... do not allow others to take you away from yourself or you will lose your identity.Please pour love and light into yourself ... much love from my off beaten heart to you....